Jan. 29th, 2007

standardblack: ([Emote] No Hero Here)
[locked to all those who are unaware of Jack’s romantic history]

Truthfully? I don’t think I’ve felt safe in years...not since my divorce. Sara...I felt safe with her. My whole life with her was safe and comfortable, and as close to perfect as I thought things could be for a long while.

But perfection isn’t possible...I found that out the hard way. And I spent a long time after that making sure that I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to feel that way again...I never wanted to feel that way again. That warmth, that comfort...that knowledge that I had something in my life to look for no matter what I did or where I was...I wanted it gone.

I wanted to spin without a reference point, and I didn’t care where I landed at the end of the day. I didn’t just want to feel that loss of security and control, I wanted to *become* it. I lost myself in that freefall rush...and I *did* become it for a while. I didn’t just stop feeling safe...I wasn’t safe to cross, or even be around.

It all happened in Thailand...things that even now don’t define themselves with individual memories. It’s a single, scary rush of raw, brutal feeling and terror that brought out darkness in me that I didn’t even know I had. When I came back to the States, I was different...everyone saw it. Everyone knew, and it wasn’t just the tattoos that were on display in the locker room.

I saw it when I looked in the mirror...my eyes were never the same. They were darker...harder. If the eyes are windows to the soul...I think it shows that I lost a piece of mine.

But ever since the crash...when I’ve seen my reflection, looked into my own eyes...it’s different. They’re still hard...but not as dark.

And there’s someone who doesn’t see the darkness, or the hardness when I look at her. Or if she does, she doesn’t care...maybe she even accepts it as part of the package. And maybe that’s why I can’t get away from her, or the way she makes me feel.

She makes me feel Thailand again...the terror, the freefall, but it’s never dangerous. It’s always warm, heady...intoxicating. Right.

It’s not safe...but it’s the next best thing.

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 403

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Dr. Jack Sheppard

December 2007

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