standardblack: ([Off Island] Looking Like A Lost Cause)
I’ve been in love before...more than once. And it hurts...it’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s a burden. Sometimes it feels good, but the rest of the time it’s a hardship. It starts like an obsession, consuming you in every waking moment, and if you manage to get a chance with the one you’re after? You have to work to maintain that relationship.

Then there’s always that fear of losing...and the actual loss itself. It’s crippling...it emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for. If it’s worth it...if anything is worth it.

For a long time, I’ve wondered if it’s worth it...then I met Kate.

And I fell in love with her.

It was just as hard, just as painful as any other time I’ve ever been in love...but it was the first time that it was ever worth it. Being near her gave value to the heartache that loving her promised. Seeing her smile, hearing her laugh...it made the work to keep her close something that I looked forward to.

I knew I loved her the moment I saw her with Sawyer...because it hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe. And even though I knew I’d been set up to see it all...I also knew they hadn’t forced her to sleep with him. Not the way she lay in his arms...not the way he held her.

Sawyer loved Kate...there wasn’t any question in my mind about that. That was why I let her go...why I told her I loved her, even though she spent her nights in his tent and in his arms.

The loss of love itself is the worst...it’s crippling. It emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for...if it’s worth it.

For Kate, I would, and am enduring that loss. And if I can do more for her than this...I will.

I love her...and there’s not a thing in this world I won’t do for her.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 342
standardblack: ([Off Island] Looking Like A Lost Cause)
[private]

Since I was a kid, Mark Silverman has been my best friend. Ever since he got into some trouble with a few scoolyard bullies and I tried...and failed to bail him out the day we first met, he’s been a constant presence in my life. Through good times and bad, he’s always been more than just a friend, he’s been like a brother to me.

This biography, however, is not about Mark Silverman.

A while back, I was one of the survivors of a horrible plane crash...the n ow infamous Oceanic flight 815. A lot of lives were lost, and along with my fellow survivors, I dealt with a lot of hardship and heartache.

On eof those survivors I got to know was a man I knew as Sawyer, but whom many of you know know as James Ford. It feels funny, calling him my best friend...but it’s true. I’ve known men like Mark...kind, caring, and faithful friends for life.

Sawyer is not that man. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of myself...all the darkest parts of me made manifest. He’s opportunistic, cruel, calculating, and impossibly bitter.

But in spite of that...he’s also noble, passionat, and capable of great kindness. His loyalties are sparse, but fierce...when you make a friend of Sawyer, it’s for life. Above all else, he’s a survivor. If ever I had to pick a Man of Steel? It would be him...shoot him, stab him, try to knock him down, he’ll just keep getting right back up. He doesn’t know what it is to quit.

We’ve clashed more than we’ve ever gotten along, and he’s done mor than enough to ensure that a man has no business trusting him. And yet...knowing what I do, I’d put my life in his hands just as I have countless times before...without hesitation.

Because one thing that Sawyer has never ceased to do for me is give me hope...for myself, and for life in general. A good man with a black heart, James Ford is living proof that even in the greatest darkness, the light will always burn bright enough to light the way to redemption.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 370
standardblack: ([Jate] Watching You)
[private]

I’m not a romantic...not by any stretch of the imagination. I believe in romance, and to a degree I have a lot of romantic ideas about love and relationships. I may be a skeptic and a bit of a cynic, but I’m not a cold one.

I don’t believe in love at first sight...but I believe in the possibility to love soon after.

I knew I could fall in love with Kate the first night we spent on this island.

Above everything else, I think that’s what has always awed me about her...that I could see it, *feel* it happening. I knew it was inevitable in its own way...every day we spent together, I found more about her that drew me in. Qualities I admired, smiles I knew she didn’t give anyone else on that island...moments I could claim as precious gems that only belonged to the two of us.

Hell...she even made me like my own tattoos. They’ve been a point of shame ever since the night I got that first one...borne out of pride and anger, the rest out of punishment and some need to manifest further the message branded into my skin.

Kate’s backhanded, flirty praise made me proud of them...made me wonder if perhaps it was a good thing to walk in a world I wasn’t part of. She made me see possibilities that didn’t fit into my world view, and I loved her for it.

I knew that I did love her, well and truly, the moment I saw her in Sawyer’s arms.

Because even though I was sure there had to be other things at work...that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture...it hurt so bad that I couldn’t breathe. Seeing her with him...I physically couldn’t breathe for an instant.

And pain that bad can only come from something infinitely good.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 319
standardblack: ([Hydra] In The Halls)
I missed a lot of opportunities in my life...chances to put myself out there and indulge in new experiences that I otherwise might never have had a chance to. The chances to do something great, to meet and know people who could have changed my life...

It didn’t start that way, though...in the beginning, I wasn’t afraid to take those risks. When I needed a new experience I went after it...no thought for what could happen, no regard for anything but what I could gain.

[locked]

I found that in Pukhet. I even found that with Achara. Being in that place...furthest corner of the world that I could find, completely alien and almost dangerously exotic...being there alone gave me a sense of freedom and peace I hadn’t known in a long time.

And Achara...she changed me. It was more than what happened...it was the way she made me feel. Being with her...the moments we spent on the beach or at her brother’s restaurant, or even just talking with her gave me a level of contentment I hadn’t felt in years. Fucking her was rough and wild and strangely sweet. Being with her and feeling that good without actually loving her...it was liberating in a way.

Being with her...knowing she had something to hide...it made the revelation that much more thrilling. It hurt that much more when I pressed that divide and made her mark me with the identity I had spent my whole life trying to run from. I didn’t want it...the things, the power I knew lived inside me but denied for so long.

I never wanted to be a leader. I never asked to be more than anyone else. I just wanted to be me.

She gave it to me in pain, blood, and ink...and even though I had finally stopped running, it didn’t mean I was ready to bear my burden.

That didn’t happen until I came here.

[/locked]

If I could do things differently...I’d have been less afraid of taking chances. Because the ones I did take, however terrible the price I paid...they were too important to relinquish to fear.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 367
standardblack: ([Emote] No Hero Here)
Any of my people...everyone that survived that plane crash. I’d give my life for them in an instant, and not because I trust them...not even because I have any deep feelings for them. Well...maybe that’s not entirely true. There’s forty-plus people that survived the plane crash, and out of all of them? I only really know a handful. Kate, Faith, Sawyer...those are just three. Charlie, Claire, Shannon, Boone...there’s a young woman named Nikki in the group, but the only reason I even remember her name is because she got upset with me for calling her Nicole at some point.

I’ll willingly give my life for them because I don’t know them all...because I can’t. I’ll do it because there’s no one else here *to* do it. These people needed a leader...I didn’t ask for this, but now it’s mine, and I have to be willing to do anything to protect them...to keep them safe.

Most importantly, though, I’ll die for them...because no one else should have to die.

[private]

There’s two people specifically I’d die for in an instant...maybe more readily than the rest of the group.

There’s obvious reasons why I’d die for Kate...how important she is, how I’ve come to care of her...but she helped give me something no one else ever has, something I value more than my own life. I’ll die for her because I’ll die to preserve that.

And that’s why I’d also die for Faith...though there are other reasons, among them being trust. I trust her to do the same for me, and for anyone on this island. Not because she cares, and not because it’s right...but because it’s in her. Regardless of what she did before, or how bad she may be, or *thinks* she is. I’ve seen her save lives...I think it’s more natural in her to be a hero than it ever will be in me.

But these two women...so alike and so different...they changed me. They mean different things to me, but they’ve both taught me the same thing.

I never knew I was doing it, but it took them to make me see that everything in my life has been about getting away from...everything. And these two, these fugitives...it took them to make me realize that it was okay to stop running.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 401
standardblack: ([Emote] No Hero Here)
[locked to all those who are unaware of Jack’s romantic history]

Truthfully? I don’t think I’ve felt safe in years...not since my divorce. Sara...I felt safe with her. My whole life with her was safe and comfortable, and as close to perfect as I thought things could be for a long while.

But perfection isn’t possible...I found that out the hard way. And I spent a long time after that making sure that I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to feel that way again...I never wanted to feel that way again. That warmth, that comfort...that knowledge that I had something in my life to look for no matter what I did or where I was...I wanted it gone.

I wanted to spin without a reference point, and I didn’t care where I landed at the end of the day. I didn’t just want to feel that loss of security and control, I wanted to *become* it. I lost myself in that freefall rush...and I *did* become it for a while. I didn’t just stop feeling safe...I wasn’t safe to cross, or even be around.

It all happened in Thailand...things that even now don’t define themselves with individual memories. It’s a single, scary rush of raw, brutal feeling and terror that brought out darkness in me that I didn’t even know I had. When I came back to the States, I was different...everyone saw it. Everyone knew, and it wasn’t just the tattoos that were on display in the locker room.

I saw it when I looked in the mirror...my eyes were never the same. They were darker...harder. If the eyes are windows to the soul...I think it shows that I lost a piece of mine.

But ever since the crash...when I’ve seen my reflection, looked into my own eyes...it’s different. They’re still hard...but not as dark.

And there’s someone who doesn’t see the darkness, or the hardness when I look at her. Or if she does, she doesn’t care...maybe she even accepts it as part of the package. And maybe that’s why I can’t get away from her, or the way she makes me feel.

She makes me feel Thailand again...the terror, the freefall, but it’s never dangerous. It’s always warm, heady...intoxicating. Right.

It’s not safe...but it’s the next best thing.

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 403
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