[EM] 34 - Doing It Differently

I missed a lot of opportunities in my life...chances to put myself out there and indulge in new experiences that I otherwise might never have had a chance to. The chances to do something great, to meet and know people who could have changed my life...

It didn’t start that way, though...in the beginning, I wasn’t afraid to take those risks. When I needed a new experience I went after it...no thought for what could happen, no regard for anything but what I could gain.

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I found that in Pukhet. I even found that with Achara. Being in that place...furthest corner of the world that I could find, completely alien and almost dangerously exotic...being there alone gave me a sense of freedom and peace I hadn’t known in a long time.

And Achara...she changed me. It was more than what happened...it was the way she made me feel. Being with her...the moments we spent on the beach or at her brother’s restaurant, or even just talking with her gave me a level of contentment I hadn’t felt in years. Fucking her was rough and wild and strangely sweet. Being with her and feeling that good without actually loving her...it was liberating in a way.

Being with her...knowing she had something to hide...it made the revelation that much more thrilling. It hurt that much more when I pressed that divide and made her mark me with the identity I had spent my whole life trying to run from. I didn’t want it...the things, the power I knew lived inside me but denied for so long.

I never wanted to be a leader. I never asked to be more than anyone else. I just wanted to be me.

She gave it to me in pain, blood, and ink...and even though I had finally stopped running, it didn’t mean I was ready to bear my burden.

That didn’t happen until I came here.

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If I could do things differently...I’d have been less afraid of taking chances. Because the ones I did take, however terrible the price I paid...they were too important to relinquish to fear.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 367