standardblack: ([Off Island] Looking Like A Lost Cause)
I’ve been in love before...more than once. And it hurts...it’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s a burden. Sometimes it feels good, but the rest of the time it’s a hardship. It starts like an obsession, consuming you in every waking moment, and if you manage to get a chance with the one you’re after? You have to work to maintain that relationship.

Then there’s always that fear of losing...and the actual loss itself. It’s crippling...it emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for. If it’s worth it...if anything is worth it.

For a long time, I’ve wondered if it’s worth it...then I met Kate.

And I fell in love with her.

It was just as hard, just as painful as any other time I’ve ever been in love...but it was the first time that it was ever worth it. Being near her gave value to the heartache that loving her promised. Seeing her smile, hearing her laugh...it made the work to keep her close something that I looked forward to.

I knew I loved her the moment I saw her with Sawyer...because it hurt. It hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe. And even though I knew I’d been set up to see it all...I also knew they hadn’t forced her to sleep with him. Not the way she lay in his arms...not the way he held her.

Sawyer loved Kate...there wasn’t any question in my mind about that. That was why I let her go...why I told her I loved her, even though she spent her nights in his tent and in his arms.

The loss of love itself is the worst...it’s crippling. It emasculates you and leaves you wondering just what all the trouble’s for...if it’s worth it.

For Kate, I would, and am enduring that loss. And if I can do more for her than this...I will.

I love her...and there’s not a thing in this world I won’t do for her.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 342
standardblack: ([Off Island] Looking Like A Lost Cause)
[private]

Since I was a kid, Mark Silverman has been my best friend. Ever since he got into some trouble with a few scoolyard bullies and I tried...and failed to bail him out the day we first met, he’s been a constant presence in my life. Through good times and bad, he’s always been more than just a friend, he’s been like a brother to me.

This biography, however, is not about Mark Silverman.

A while back, I was one of the survivors of a horrible plane crash...the n ow infamous Oceanic flight 815. A lot of lives were lost, and along with my fellow survivors, I dealt with a lot of hardship and heartache.

On eof those survivors I got to know was a man I knew as Sawyer, but whom many of you know know as James Ford. It feels funny, calling him my best friend...but it’s true. I’ve known men like Mark...kind, caring, and faithful friends for life.

Sawyer is not that man. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of myself...all the darkest parts of me made manifest. He’s opportunistic, cruel, calculating, and impossibly bitter.

But in spite of that...he’s also noble, passionat, and capable of great kindness. His loyalties are sparse, but fierce...when you make a friend of Sawyer, it’s for life. Above all else, he’s a survivor. If ever I had to pick a Man of Steel? It would be him...shoot him, stab him, try to knock him down, he’ll just keep getting right back up. He doesn’t know what it is to quit.

We’ve clashed more than we’ve ever gotten along, and he’s done mor than enough to ensure that a man has no business trusting him. And yet...knowing what I do, I’d put my life in his hands just as I have countless times before...without hesitation.

Because one thing that Sawyer has never ceased to do for me is give me hope...for myself, and for life in general. A good man with a black heart, James Ford is living proof that even in the greatest darkness, the light will always burn bright enough to light the way to redemption.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 370
standardblack: ([Jate] Watching You)
[private]

I’m not a romantic...not by any stretch of the imagination. I believe in romance, and to a degree I have a lot of romantic ideas about love and relationships. I may be a skeptic and a bit of a cynic, but I’m not a cold one.

I don’t believe in love at first sight...but I believe in the possibility to love soon after.

I knew I could fall in love with Kate the first night we spent on this island.

Above everything else, I think that’s what has always awed me about her...that I could see it, *feel* it happening. I knew it was inevitable in its own way...every day we spent together, I found more about her that drew me in. Qualities I admired, smiles I knew she didn’t give anyone else on that island...moments I could claim as precious gems that only belonged to the two of us.

Hell...she even made me like my own tattoos. They’ve been a point of shame ever since the night I got that first one...borne out of pride and anger, the rest out of punishment and some need to manifest further the message branded into my skin.

Kate’s backhanded, flirty praise made me proud of them...made me wonder if perhaps it was a good thing to walk in a world I wasn’t part of. She made me see possibilities that didn’t fit into my world view, and I loved her for it.

I knew that I did love her, well and truly, the moment I saw her in Sawyer’s arms.

Because even though I was sure there had to be other things at work...that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture...it hurt so bad that I couldn’t breathe. Seeing her with him...I physically couldn’t breathe for an instant.

And pain that bad can only come from something infinitely good.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 319
standardblack: ([Hydra] In The Halls)
I missed a lot of opportunities in my life...chances to put myself out there and indulge in new experiences that I otherwise might never have had a chance to. The chances to do something great, to meet and know people who could have changed my life...

It didn’t start that way, though...in the beginning, I wasn’t afraid to take those risks. When I needed a new experience I went after it...no thought for what could happen, no regard for anything but what I could gain.

[locked]

I found that in Pukhet. I even found that with Achara. Being in that place...furthest corner of the world that I could find, completely alien and almost dangerously exotic...being there alone gave me a sense of freedom and peace I hadn’t known in a long time.

And Achara...she changed me. It was more than what happened...it was the way she made me feel. Being with her...the moments we spent on the beach or at her brother’s restaurant, or even just talking with her gave me a level of contentment I hadn’t felt in years. Fucking her was rough and wild and strangely sweet. Being with her and feeling that good without actually loving her...it was liberating in a way.

Being with her...knowing she had something to hide...it made the revelation that much more thrilling. It hurt that much more when I pressed that divide and made her mark me with the identity I had spent my whole life trying to run from. I didn’t want it...the things, the power I knew lived inside me but denied for so long.

I never wanted to be a leader. I never asked to be more than anyone else. I just wanted to be me.

She gave it to me in pain, blood, and ink...and even though I had finally stopped running, it didn’t mean I was ready to bear my burden.

That didn’t happen until I came here.

[/locked]

If I could do things differently...I’d have been less afraid of taking chances. Because the ones I did take, however terrible the price I paid...they were too important to relinquish to fear.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 367
standardblack: ([Emote] No Hero Here)
Any of my people...everyone that survived that plane crash. I’d give my life for them in an instant, and not because I trust them...not even because I have any deep feelings for them. Well...maybe that’s not entirely true. There’s forty-plus people that survived the plane crash, and out of all of them? I only really know a handful. Kate, Faith, Sawyer...those are just three. Charlie, Claire, Shannon, Boone...there’s a young woman named Nikki in the group, but the only reason I even remember her name is because she got upset with me for calling her Nicole at some point.

I’ll willingly give my life for them because I don’t know them all...because I can’t. I’ll do it because there’s no one else here *to* do it. These people needed a leader...I didn’t ask for this, but now it’s mine, and I have to be willing to do anything to protect them...to keep them safe.

Most importantly, though, I’ll die for them...because no one else should have to die.

[private]

There’s two people specifically I’d die for in an instant...maybe more readily than the rest of the group.

There’s obvious reasons why I’d die for Kate...how important she is, how I’ve come to care of her...but she helped give me something no one else ever has, something I value more than my own life. I’ll die for her because I’ll die to preserve that.

And that’s why I’d also die for Faith...though there are other reasons, among them being trust. I trust her to do the same for me, and for anyone on this island. Not because she cares, and not because it’s right...but because it’s in her. Regardless of what she did before, or how bad she may be, or *thinks* she is. I’ve seen her save lives...I think it’s more natural in her to be a hero than it ever will be in me.

But these two women...so alike and so different...they changed me. They mean different things to me, but they’ve both taught me the same thing.

I never knew I was doing it, but it took them to make me see that everything in my life has been about getting away from...everything. And these two, these fugitives...it took them to make me realize that it was okay to stop running.

[/private]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 401
standardblack: ([Emote] No Hero Here)
[locked to all those who are unaware of Jack’s romantic history]

Truthfully? I don’t think I’ve felt safe in years...not since my divorce. Sara...I felt safe with her. My whole life with her was safe and comfortable, and as close to perfect as I thought things could be for a long while.

But perfection isn’t possible...I found that out the hard way. And I spent a long time after that making sure that I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to feel that way again...I never wanted to feel that way again. That warmth, that comfort...that knowledge that I had something in my life to look for no matter what I did or where I was...I wanted it gone.

I wanted to spin without a reference point, and I didn’t care where I landed at the end of the day. I didn’t just want to feel that loss of security and control, I wanted to *become* it. I lost myself in that freefall rush...and I *did* become it for a while. I didn’t just stop feeling safe...I wasn’t safe to cross, or even be around.

It all happened in Thailand...things that even now don’t define themselves with individual memories. It’s a single, scary rush of raw, brutal feeling and terror that brought out darkness in me that I didn’t even know I had. When I came back to the States, I was different...everyone saw it. Everyone knew, and it wasn’t just the tattoos that were on display in the locker room.

I saw it when I looked in the mirror...my eyes were never the same. They were darker...harder. If the eyes are windows to the soul...I think it shows that I lost a piece of mine.

But ever since the crash...when I’ve seen my reflection, looked into my own eyes...it’s different. They’re still hard...but not as dark.

And there’s someone who doesn’t see the darkness, or the hardness when I look at her. Or if she does, she doesn’t care...maybe she even accepts it as part of the package. And maybe that’s why I can’t get away from her, or the way she makes me feel.

She makes me feel Thailand again...the terror, the freefall, but it’s never dangerous. It’s always warm, heady...intoxicating. Right.

It’s not safe...but it’s the next best thing.

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 403
standardblack: (Jack Voices In The Dark)
My polar opposite...okay, I know it may sound a little crazy, but I think that my opposite would be a man without any fear of the things that really count. Someone who has no doubts, no inhibitions...who can find even a grim measure of peace in himself.

Again...I know, it’s a little strange, but I can explain. When I say a man with no fear, I don’t necessarily mean a man who isn’t afraid of anything...*or* Stan Lee’s Daredevil, so you can forget about that one right there. I’m talking about someone that isn’t afraid of the more frightening aspects of life...like giving yourself up to something, or someone. Someone who’s not afraid to feel...not afraid to care. It’s the fine line between commitment and love...dedication and desire, need.

I can do commitment. Too often, though, to me it’s all about perpetual motion...the living machine. If I stop, I’m dead. And dead is forever...you can’t come back from it. Every time I’ve ever stopped, someone’s gotten hurt. I know that sometimes when I *didn’t* stop, people got hurt, too...but no one ended up dead.

I question...everything that I am, because I can’t remember the last time I was my own man. My father made me a great doctor, he made me a man that could stand on my own...but usually it was because I had nowhere else to stand. I lost track of what was me and what was him a lot of years ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten that back. I don’t know if I ever will.

There are things in me I don’t want anyone else to see...things I don’t want anyone else to know. They eat at me...gnaw at me, burn at my brain and whatever soul I may have until I can barely stand it.

You know...it’s kind of screwed up, but I think my polar opposite would be Sawyer...because he invests *everything* into being what he is, and he does it without being afraid of it. The one thing I know we share is that we’re both capable of being mean sons of bitches, but Sawyer...he knows it, and he’s at peace with it. Even the better nature he hates himself for having...he can fight it all he wants, but he knows it’s there and he accepts it, along with the bad.

He’s just as messed up as I am...but he’s not afraid to be that way.

I, on the other hand...I think I always will be.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 434
standardblack: (Out of Destruction)
Maybe I am somewhat impulsive...a little more than I’d like. Usually I give most things a fair amount of thought, but sometimes...well, you know. Heat of the moment, acting on emotion rather than intellect...when you think with your heart or your gonads rather than your mind.

But when looked at rationally, I suppose, maybe that’s part of my problem. I know...I know I have a problem with letting go. Of anything...of everything. I’m a physician, and to a degree a scientist so I understand the raw importance of reason, rationality. I’m not given to flights of fancy...I think most everything in my life through.

[locked]

I think if I want to be honest with myself, though...I am, if nothing else, a visceral man. I try not to be...but I am, and I can’t change that. I embrace logic, I favor logic...but I can’t help the fact that I...I *feel* things. Maybe it’s all a part of my own fucked up commitment issues, I don’t know...but when I feel things they’re a part of everything inside me.

Joy, love, empathy...hate, anger...I try, but I can’t hold them back, and I can’t diminish them. And here on the island, where life and death are more than just my stock in trade? It’s a lot worse.

You’d think I was crazy, given the way he acts, and the way people think of him around here, but I think, in some ways, Sawyer may be a better man than I am...he may be flighty? But his impulses are something he has much better control of. The man does *nothing* he doesn’t want to, and I envy him that.

I don’t think Sawyer would have followed his ex-wife around for weeks on end, trying to find the man who took her away from him. He wouldn’t attack his own father...he wouldn’t have trouble letting go the way that I do.

He embraces his impulses, and so he controls them...but when your impulses embody the darkest parts of you, how can you embrace them without being consumed by them?

How can you control that *without* giving in to the darkness?

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 367
standardblack: (Jack Voices In The Dark)
We all make mistakes in our lives, and I honestly believe that most everyone deserves a second chance in life...an opportunity to make things right. Not to erase or correct the wrongs we’ve committed...you can’t erase things, and some mistakes just can’t be undone. I mean...if you steal from a friend and that friend dies, you can’t give the money back.

But I do believe we can make up for our mistakes...and I believe that life can give us a chance to make certain things right. I don’t chalk it up to fate or destiny or even any kind of God, despite what Locke might think...it’s all a matter of being in a certain set of circumstances that presents an opportunity. Whether or not we take advantage...that’s our choice. It’s all within our power.

Shortly after we crashed, I found out that two people on the plane...they weren’t who they first claimed to be. I said around that time that all of us deserved a chance to start over. Who we were before it all happened...that none of it mattered.

Getting a second chance is all about not allowing the past to matter in the present...to make it something that happened and stop trying to make it into something that’s still happening. The things we’ve already done...we can’t change that. But who we are...the things we do, here and now, from one moment to the next? Those things we *can* change. And that’s the purpose, the heart of second chances...to fulfill the promise of change that the future brings.

To do things differently...not to go back and redo things. That’s what makes it such a blessing.

But with second chances...it’s all about taking advantage, and sometimes no matter how hard you try...you might blow it. You might make the same mistakes again, and even if you don’t? Sometimes doing the right thing can kill you.

Or kill someone else.

Then again...no one ever said getting a second chance was easy.

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 346
standardblack: (Jack Smile)
People here on the island trust me, almost a little too much. I don’t know where the trust began, it just feels like it’s always been there. It’s like an automatic thing... ‘trust the doctor.’ I guess it’s somewhat inherent to what I do...being a doctor, healing the sick. People put their lives in my hands. Other people see it and think ‘hey, let’s trust him...he made that one girl walk again.’

[locked from all castaways]

That’s what Gabriela and her father were thinking when they came to see me.

It’s been some years now, and I still haven’t forgotten her...the sting of that poor man’s death, and the pain that her quiet grief caused me. The kiss...I had a heavy burden of guilt to bear back then, but time’s tempered that some and I know that it *was* a mistake. It was me, trying to make it right, and by feeling something for her...with her...I thought I could make it all right again.

I guess you could say that my bedside manner is either one extreme or the other...rotten, or too good for *my* own good.

[/locked]

That trust that comes with the mantle of physician...it’s never been one I was comfortable with. I think it’s that trust which is why I get along so well with people like Faith and Sawyer...they don’t trust anybody without good reason. Their trust, I had to earn...hell, maybe I still do. With them, it’s always hard to tell.

Then there’s the kind of trust that’s borne of something else...I would call it chemistry or mutual understanding, but it’s a little more complex than that. It’s the kind of trust that comes from sharing something simple, something that’s tested by experience and grows over time.

Like, say, sharing a fire for instance. A few true confessions and life-or-death jaunts through the jungle later, and you have a fairly complex and interesting interpersonal relationship going on. Just ask anybody...at least anyone on this island.

In the end, I think trust is all relative...but no matter how it comes, it’s the trust that’s earned that’s the only kind that will never be betrayed. Unconditional trust...it’s never wise.

Because even those with the power to heal can have a bad day.

Muse: Jack Sheppard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 388
standardblack: (Jate Watching You)
A lot of what`s happened since I came to this island`s been pretty monumental for me...I`ve faced a lot of demons and I )

Muse: Jack Shephard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 465
standardblack: (Jack Voices In The Dark)
Truthfully? I think I’d have to say Kate…and not for the reason probably everyone’s thinking, either. Yes, Hurley and Sawer, I’m talking to you. Something as simple and uncomplicated as romance would be good to have in my life, but it’s not like that, and it’s not what I’m talking about here.

A lot’s happened since we got stranded…and she’s been with me through all of it. I’ve never been very good at letting things go…she makes me. When I don’t sleep, she forces me to bed…when I haven’t eaten in more than a day, she suddenly appears to give me grief and toss a mango or two in my direction. She’s the voice of reason and logic when mine’s gone silent, and Boone’s death is only one example of that.

I’d given Boone my own blood…I still don’t know how much, could’ve been a couple pints, maybe more. I hadn’t slept in nearly a day, and had no food or water in me.

She drugged me…a fact I’ve pretty much forgiven her for, being that she probably saved my life and all.

It was just some sleeping pills crushed up in some orange juice, but it was what I needed. Those few hours of sleep got my adrenaline levels down, which let me rest on my own later…after the situation with Shannon was taken care of. The bottom line is that she was there for me…she basically took care of me when I wouldn’t, when I *couldn’t* take care of myself.

The funny thing about it, too, is that she acts so selfishly at times. I know Kate…I know what she is, who she is, even if no one else does. There are so many reasons why she shouldn’t do the things she does, and not simply because of the facts I know about her.

Even if she doesn’t know it…I know Kate’s afraid to connect, to get close to people.

[locked]

And maybe that’s why nothing has *really* happened between us yet. I know what’s there…what I feel, what I want, but I know in my heart that acting on it will drive her away.

I see her…and I like what I see.

I also want her…however I can get her, and if that means keeping this distance between us…I can do that. It’s hell…but if I can’t *hold* her close, I can *keep* her close.

I’d rather have her by my side than have her in my bed, if the only other option is not having her at all.

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Sheppard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 421
standardblack: (Jack No Hope)
[locked from all castaways]

Marriage…I used to be married. She was a good woman…strong, funny, smart…beautiful, too. She was too good for a guy like me…she was whole. I wasn’t. I’m not sure I ever will be…and that’s why she left me.

I fix things. It’s who I am, it’s what I do…it’s all I know. And that’s how I met my wife…because I fixed her. She was a patient of mine…broken back. I tried to help her…I did everything I could to save her and I did.

At least that’s how it appeared. I did the procedure…I did everything I could. I promised her that I would fix her.

I didn’t.

Medically, she shouldn’t be walking…because I couldn’t keep my promise, I couldn’t do it. And yet…she danced at our wedding. I actually believed, the day I saw her wiggle her toes, that I could be responsible. That I might have made a miracle…with my promise, my need to keep it…my *desire* to keep it.

But when there was nothing left to fix, no broken pieces to fit back together…I started looking again. I was faithful as I could possibly be to the woman I thought I loved, but in reality I was cheating on her with my patients. The broken backs and nerve damage and helpless souls I had the power to piece back together.

She ended up leaving me. It hurt. A lot. I fixed her…but fixing her broke us, as a couple. With nothing else to repair…we didn’t need each other anymore.

I don’t regret her recovery…I don’t begrudge her for a single second the fact that she can walk, that she found a life for herself outside our home, that she was able to be happy in spite of me. I cared for Sara…I still do, I always will.

But I know now that I don’t love her…I never did. Love can’t be fixed or broken, made or unmade, it just is. It always will be. It’s there and you can’t get rid of it, no matter what.

Marriage is a promise to be kept…and a broken marriage is a broken promise. It’s a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing…but I made that promise, I kept that promise…and it wasn’t enough.

I guess you could say that I stopped believing in marriage the day I stopped believing in miracles.

[/locked]

Muse: Jack Sheppard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 389
standardblack: (Jate Watching You)
I’ve been put in charge...unofficially. Everyone realized someone needed to make the big decisions...the hard decisions. Someone had to step up and keep this group together. Keep things running in this community we’ve built here.

Somehow, someone decided I was the man for the job...and so I took it. I keep myself busy pretty much constantly. I don’t have a lot of free time for myself, and in a way I guess that’s a good thing. Idle time means time to think...and that’s not something I enjoy doing, nine times out of ten, especially given our current situation.

But when I do have a few seconds....sometimes even when I don`t...I watch her. )

Muse: Jack Sheppard
Fandom: LOST
Words: 475
standardblack: (Jack Smile)
Hi...uh...I’m not exactly what you’d call a social butterfly as far as introductions go, so I’ll just get the basics out of the way and we can move on. Because...y’know...I’m probably the least interesting guy on the planet. You don’t wanna listen to me ramble, trust me.

My name’s Jack Sheppard. I’m a doctor, a spinal surgeon specifically out of Los Angeles. I was also one of the survivors of the crash of Oceanic Airlines flight 815 out of Sydney. According to the pilot, who died about sixteen hours after the crash, we hit trouble about six hours in when the plane’s radio went out. They tried to make for Fiji instead, but turbulence hit and sent us nearly a thousand miles off course.

If there’s been any attempt to find us by the authorities, they’ve been looking for us all in the wrong place.

A total of about forty eight of us lived through the whole thing...that total’s dwindled down to forty three, but went back up to forty four with the birth of Aaron Littleton, Claire’s baby...I wish I could say I had a hand in his birth, but I didn’t. The number grew to forty seven when we discovered that the tail section of the plane, which broke off during the crash, ended up on the other side of the island instead of in the water like we originally thought.

Just recently, the number went back down to forty five when two of the tail section survivors were shot and killed. This island...there’s people here, people that were here a long time before us. There’s a lot about this place that’s more dangerous than anyone could have imagined....things outside the day to day struggle of surviving.

And that’s all we’re trying to do right now...stay alive, and the deaths in our group are a testament to how difficult that’s become. I didn’t ask for it...I tried like hell to run from it, but everyone here is depending on me to help them do just that. The people in this group have turned to me for leadership, for guidance...for protection. I don’t know if I can do that...but I know that I have to try.

And as God as my witness, and anyone else that’s listening if there really *is* anyone up there...I’m not going to lose another one of my people to this place. Period.

‘OOC’ )
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